The Path to Happiness - The Basics
It is not what happens to us that controls how we feel, it is the story we tell
ourselves about what happened to us that controls our feelings and reactions.
We interpret reality based on our perceptions (which are based on what we
learned is important), and our beliefs about what our perceptions mean.
We often believe we control things we don’t (other people’s feelings, behaviors
and perceptions, the past, and the future) and don’t realize we are in control
of our feelings, behaviors, the consequences we set for other people’s
behavior, and our attitudes and beliefs.
How you see your life (your attitudes and beliefs), what you focus on,
determines your happiness. Happy people interpret the world based on
believing the best, unhappy ones by focusing on the negative.
Other people don’t make you happy or unhappy, and you don’t control their
happiness.
Try to accept yourself and others as imperfect but valuable, worthy humans.
Stop and appreciate what you have, and who you are. Take an “attitude of
gratitude.”
Being open and flexible, and willing to change your expectations and behaviors
based on what you learn about yourself, and from others, leads to growth,
acceptance and happiness.
Listen and learn. Don’t focus on being right. Let go of judgments.
Let go of your resistance to “what is.”
Have realistic expectations – your goals should be reachable.
What and whom you compare yourself to is important. If you compare your
success to Bill Gates and your beauty to Halle Berry, you will feel less-than, poor,
unsuccessful and unhappy.
Worrying about things outside of your control makes you unhappy (other people’s behaviors and feelings, the
past, the future, terror attacks…). Don’t focus on “if only…” The past is past.
Question your beliefs – especially the “shoulds” and “have tos.”
We need a purpose to know our life has meaning. We need to feel our life has had a positive effect on other
people. We need to be connected to others. We need close relationships to be happy. Sharing our feelings,
thoughts, hopes and beliefs builds close relationships. Sharing our problems helps us gain perspective and find
solutions, as well as reducing feelings of isolation and aloneness.
"Grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference."
- Reinhold Niebuhr, 1934
Happiness is a result of the choices we make about how to live our lives.
You can choose to live in the past, focusing on what you have lost, or never had-whether a lost love, a
happy childhood or financial success
OR
You can focus on today, and how you can get more of what you want in your life today and tomorrow.
You can focus on what you don't have - whether a perfect partner, a perfect body, a healthy child, a new car,
or a lot of money
OR
You can focus on what you do have - good friends who love you, a
working body, food on the table, a job.
You can set up unrealistic expectations and be unhappy when they
aren’t met.
•
People I love shouldn’t die.
•
My work should be enjoyable all of the time.
•
My partner should know what I want.
•
My family should all get along.
•
Everyone should be thoughtful.
•
The world should be fair.
OR
You can choose expectations that are easily met, so you are
mostly satisfied.
•
Life is not fair.
o
People die young, and from bad things – painful disease, murder, cruel accidents.
o
Some people have advantages due to birth or luck.
o
There are many unfair situations on our earth, but I can try to be fair.
•
No one is perfect.
o
Everyone will annoy me sometimes.
o
I will be imperfect, but I’m still ‘good enough’.
•
A job is to make a living.
•
If you are getting paid and some satisfaction from your work, it is a good thing.
•
I’m not going to get rich in this work, but I know I am doing something worthwhile.
•
It is better to love than to be loved.
•
Both sensations are similar, and we can control being loving. Plus it usually results in positive
reactions from others.
•
People will often be selfish – meeting their own needs rather than thinking of the impact on others,
but that doesn’t mean they don’t love me, and it doesn’t mean I have to be selfish.
•
The way I am – whether loving, thoughtful, and kind or cold, self-centered and angry – will affect
others and the world.
You can choose beliefs that lead to unpleasant emotions like:
•
If I disappoint someone I am bad.
•
If I make a mistake or a poor choice, I am incompetent.
•
Because I didn’t get what I needed when I was a child, I can never be happy.
•
I must be perfect to be good enough.
•
I must have …(something outside yourself, like a partner or a
million dollars or a promotion) to be happy.
•
If I forgive someone for harming me, it is accepting their behavior,
and they won’t be punished.
•
I should … (which always makes me feel resentful)
OR
You can choose beliefs that lead to serenity, contentment and joy.
•
I am loveable, just as I am.
•
My role in life is to be the most ME I can be.
•
All parents are imperfect. I wish mine had been different, but I like
who I am today.
•
I am growing into a better person every day.
•
I am entitled to strive for what I really, really, really want, but I won't make myself unhappy over not
having it.
•
Holding a grudge hurts me. What do I need to do or express so that I can let go and move on?
•
I want to avoid the consequences of …, so I want to …
You can choose to believe you can change things not in your control, to resist accepting what you cannot
change (like other people's feelings and behaviors, and the past) and make yourself frustrated
OR
You can choose to accept what you are unable to change (or in some cases, what you are unwilling to
pay the price to change) and let it go to feel peace with what is.
You can choose to keep your thoughts and feelings inside yourself, assuming that other people can guess
them, or telling yourself that they just don't understand
OR
You can choose to be open, to share your thoughts and feelings
(without blaming), and to ask for what you want while not expecting
others to meet your wants.
What you look for affects what you see. Look for the best, the
beautiful, the hopeful and you will find it and be happier.
I recommend choosing the beliefs that are more likely to lead to being
satisfied with your life. I literally ask myself, "Which belief will make
me happier?" And then, "What are the possible consequences of
believing it?" As long as I can live with the potential consequences, I
choose happiness! Some people get caught up worrying that they
might be choosing a belief that 'isn't true' which implies that there are
true things about what makes a person worthy, loveable or good. It
turns out they are all jut thoughts we choose to believe - or not!
You are responsible for your own happiness!
People who are happy are more enjoyable to be around, they tend to be more generous and productive, and
they have better lives. Sounds like good reasons to choose beliefs that lead to greater happiness!
Up next: Summary and Exercises (click to continue)
Happiness is a Choice
“Happy people interpret
the world based on
believing the best,
unhappy ones by
focusing on the
negative and believing
the worst.”
- Molly L. Stranahan,
Your Guide on the Path
to Happiness
“The other person's
actions are almost
always about them, not
about you.”
- Molly L. Stranahan,
Your Guide on the Path
to Happiness
“In a choice between
beliefs, try choosing the
one that makes you
happier and less
stressed.”
- Molly L. Stranahan,
Your Guide on the Path
to Happiness
Core Beliefs About Happiness
1. The purpose of life is to
be happy.
2. I am responsible for my
own happiness.
3. I can't make other
people happy.
4. I can increase my
happiness level.
5. Happiness is contagious.
6. Our happiness is not just
based on what happens
to us, it is based on
HOW WE INTERPRET
what happens to us.
It can be really helpful to
think of someone who has
less than you and be
grateful for what you have.
If you have a broken leg, be
thankful that at least you
aren't paralyzed, if you are
paralyzed, be thankful you
can see, hear and speak.
Stepping Stones
Stepping Stones - Get On
and Stay On The Path to
Happinesssis basic advice
about choices you can
make to experience greater
happiness and fulfillment
(ataraxy).
Dig Deeper
We often limit ourselves with
our beliefs. Something
challenges us, and we do
more than we thought we
could. (Such as the mother
who lifts a car off of her child
to save him.)
Explore the process for
changing your beliefs
Try This...
Try This...
Worrying about things
outside of your control
makes you unhappy (other
people's behaviors and
feelings, the past, the
future, terror attacks…).
Don't focus on "if only…"
The past is past.
To start applying the Path
to Happiness process, go to
the Path Basics Core
Worksheet
Try This...
Stop 'Shoulding' on yourself
Every time you think "I
should…" ask yourself these
questions:
•
Why should I?
•
Keep asking until you
get to an answer that
convinces you.
•
You may uncover a
belief about being
good or responsible,
or not letting other
people down, or what
they will think of you.
•
Then you can ask if
that belief is really
true, and if it matters
to you more than
doing something you
don't want to do.
•
What would happen if
I don't do it?
•
How do I feel about
that result?
•
So do I WANT to do it
to avoid the
consequences?
•
If not, am I ready to
let go of the belief
that I "should" do it?
If you want to explore this,
you can go to the Shoulds
Worksheet
Contact Info
Site Privacy Policy
Content Copyright © 2010
Our feelings are the result of the stories we tell ourselves. . .
Change your story - change your feelings - change your life!
"Grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference."
- Reinhold Niebuhr, 1934
Happiness is a result of the choices we make about how to live our lives.
You can choose to live in the past, focusing on what you have lost, or never had-whether a lost love, a
happy childhood or financial success
OR
You can focus on today, and how you can get more of what you want in your life today and tomorrow.
You can focus on what you don't have - whether a perfect partner, a perfect body, a healthy child, a new car,
or a lot of money
OR
You can focus on what you do have - good friends who love you, a
working body, food on the table, a job.
You can set up unrealistic expectations and be unhappy when they
aren’t met.
•
People I love shouldn’t die.
•
My work should be enjoyable all of the time.
•
My partner should know what I want.
•
My family should all get along.
•
Everyone should be thoughtful.
•
The world should be fair.
OR
You can choose expectations that are easily met, so you are
mostly satisfied.
•
Life is not fair.
o
People die young, and from bad things – painful disease, murder, cruel accidents.
o
Some people have advantages due to birth or luck.
o
There are many unfair situations on our earth, but I can try to be fair.
•
No one is perfect.
o
Everyone will annoy me sometimes.
o
I will be imperfect, but I’m still ‘good enough’.
•
A job is to make a living.
•
If you are getting paid and some satisfaction from your work, it is a good thing.
•
I’m not going to get rich in this work, but I know I am doing something worthwhile.
•
It is better to love than to be loved.
•
Both sensations are similar, and we can control being loving. Plus it usually results in positive
reactions from others.
•
People will often be selfish – meeting their own needs rather than thinking of the impact on others,
but that doesn’t mean they don’t love me, and it doesn’t mean I have to be selfish.
•
The way I am – whether loving, thoughtful, and kind or cold, self-centered and angry – will affect
others and the world.
You can choose beliefs that lead to unpleasant emotions like:
•
If I disappoint someone I am bad.
•
If I make a mistake or a poor choice, I am incompetent.
•
Because I didn’t get what I needed when I was a child, I can never be happy.
•
I must be perfect to be good enough.
•
I must have …(something outside yourself, like a partner or a
million dollars or a promotion) to be happy.
•
If I forgive someone for harming me, it is accepting their behavior,
and they won’t be punished.
•
I should … (which always makes me feel resentful)
OR
You can choose beliefs that lead to serenity, contentment and joy.
•
I am loveable, just as I am.
•
My role in life is to be the most ME I can be.
•
All parents are imperfect. I wish mine had been different, but I like
who I am today.
•
I am growing into a better person every day.
•
I am entitled to strive for what I really, really, really want, but I won't make myself unhappy over not
having it.
•
Holding a grudge hurts me. What do I need to do or express so that I can let go and move on?
•
I want to avoid the consequences of …, so I want to …
You can choose to believe you can change things not in your control, to resist accepting what you cannot
change (like other people's feelings and behaviors, and the past) and make yourself frustrated
OR
You can choose to accept what you are unable to change (or in some cases, what you are unwilling to
pay the price to change) and let it go to feel peace with what is.
You can choose to keep your thoughts and feelings inside yourself, assuming that other people can guess
them, or telling yourself that they just don't understand
OR
You can choose to be open, to share your thoughts and feelings
(without blaming), and to ask for what you want while not expecting
others to meet your wants.
What you look for affects what you see. Look for the best, the
beautiful, the hopeful and you will find it and be happier.
I recommend choosing the beliefs that are more likely to lead to being
satisfied with your life. I literally ask myself, "Which belief will make
me happier?" And then, "What are the possible consequences of
believing it?" As long as I can live with the potential consequences, I
choose happiness! Some people get caught up worrying that they
might be choosing a belief that 'isn't true' which implies that there are
true things about what makes a person worthy, loveable or good. It
turns out they are all jut thoughts we choose to believe - or not!
You are responsible for your own happiness!
People who are happy are more enjoyable to be around, they tend to be more generous and productive, and
they have better lives. Sounds like good reasons to choose beliefs that lead to greater happiness!
Up next: Summary and Exercises (click to continue)
Happiness is a Choice
“Happy people interpret
the world based on
believing the best,
unhappy ones by
focusing on the
negative and believing
the worst.”
- Molly L. Stranahan,
Your Guide on the Path
to Happiness
“The other person's
actions are almost
always about them, not
about you.”
- Molly L. Stranahan,
Your Guide on the Path
to Happiness
“In a choice between
beliefs, try choosing the
one that makes you
happier and less
stressed.”
- Molly L. Stranahan,
Your Guide on the Path
to Happiness
Core Beliefs About Happiness
1. The purpose of life is to
be happy.
2. I am responsible for my
own happiness.
3. I can't make other
people happy.
4. I can increase my
happiness level.
5. Happiness is contagious.
6. Our happiness is not just
based on what happens
to us, it is based on
HOW WE INTERPRET
what happens to us.
It can be really helpful to
think of someone who has
less than you and be
grateful for what you have.
If you have a broken leg, be
thankful that at least you
aren't paralyzed, if you are
paralyzed, be thankful you
can see, hear and speak.
Stepping Stones
Stepping Stones - Get On
and Stay On The Path to
Happinesssis basic advice
about choices you can
make to experience greater
happiness and fulfillment
(ataraxy).
Dig Deeper
We often limit ourselves with
our beliefs. Something
challenges us, and we do
more than we thought we
could. (Such as the mother
who lifts a car off of her child
to save him.)
Explore the process for
changing your beliefs
Try This...
Try This...
Worrying about things
outside of your control
makes you unhappy (other
people's behaviors and
feelings, the past, the
future, terror attacks…).
Don't focus on "if only…"
The past is past.
To start applying the Path
to Happiness process, go to
the Path Basics Core
Worksheet
Try This...
Stop 'Shoulding' on yourself
Every time you think "I
should…" ask yourself these
questions:
•
Why should I?
•
Keep asking until you
get to an answer that
convinces you.
•
You may uncover a
belief about being
good or responsible,
or not letting other
people down, or what
they will think of you.
•
Then you can ask if
that belief is really
true, and if it matters
to you more than
doing something you
don't want to do.
•
What would happen if
I don't do it?
•
How do I feel about
that result?
•
So do I WANT to do it
to avoid the
consequences?
•
If not, am I ready to
let go of the belief
that I "should" do it?
If you want to explore this,
you can go to the Shoulds
Worksheet
Contact Info
Site Privacy Policy
Content Copyright © 2010
Our feelings are the result of the stories we tell ourselves. . .
Change your story - change your feelings - change your life!